Sunday, February 16, 2014

Jesse James & the Secret Legend of Captain Coytus by Alex Mueck @AlexMueck #Humor #Historical

The next request was one that he’d personally slipped in. He’d been working on a melody, and suddenly the lyrics had come to him.
The stranger waved down the saloon’s appreciative volume. “In the spirit of humorous songs, next comes a request I’m only vaguely familiar with. I’ll do my best.” He looked down at the paper. “It’s an anonymous dedication. It’s called, ‘Oh Susanna,’ except in this version there’s no ‘banjo on my knee.’”
“Oh, Susanna, forgive me please,
Did I mention I have sexual diseases?
You’re so pretty, and I was drunk.
I’m just a redneck scalawag punk.
Oh, which diseases you may ask?
There are many; the list is vast:
Syphilis, gonorrhea, and the clap.
If only I had my willy wrapped.”

The stranger was quick to notice a hush come over the bar. Some people still clapped along, but most squinted in puzzlement. Apparently, talk like “hanging Negroes” was perfectly acceptable discourse, but public sexual commentary was not.
He took stock of those he’d met. The sheriff retreated to the corner, and there, he poorly faked his prior comatose state. His wife was amused, and her hand did little to stifle giggles. Little Archie sat stoically. Flabbergasted, Edwards twiddled his mustache. Frank number-one-fan James was whooping it up good—all limbs in motion.
Susanna radiantly stood out amongst all. Like a cat, her green eyes appeared to casually take everything in. Her lithe body was at ease but in a blink of an eye, ready to pounce. Her blank expression tried to portray disinterest. Still, the stranger could read the emotions behind her mask. She was both scared and amused, but the small bat of an eye and nod of the head suggested she was also flattered.
Badger Bob was also an easy read. He was trying to act as if the words had no meaning to him, but the pursed lips, determined jaw, and steely gaze suggested otherwise. It was like he was afflicted with a fierce gastro anomaly but trying to be a gentleman about it.
The stranger strummed his way to the second verse.
“Oh, Susanna, forgive me please.
Did I mention I have sexual diseases?
You’re so pretty, your body so firm.
I’m the man with viral sperm.
Oh, which symptoms you may ask?
There are many; the list is vast:
Crabs, cankers, and scaly warts.
An ax should make me eunuch short.

“Probably already is.” (Laughter.)

“Oh, Susanna, forgive me please.
Did I mention I have sexual diseases?
You have nice curves, I love your shape.
I’m a loser who’s forced to rape.
Oh, how could he, thou wonder why?
I beat on girls; check your black eye.
I’m no gentleman, just a scofflaw slob,
Or better known as Badger Bob.”
At the song’s conclusion, there was a smattering of applause, unheard whispers, and a few raucous cheers from Frank James. When it died down, Badger Bob rose to his feet, took two steps toward the stranger, pointed, and barked, “Let’s take this outside.”

"“A historical fiction comedy that packs
as much heart as humor.”
—Michael Dadich, award-winning author of The Silver Sphere
When a Harvard history professor receives a thesis paper titled Jesse James and the Secret Legend of Captain Coytus, from Ulysses Hercules Baxter—an underwhelming student—he assumes the paper must be a prank. He has never read such maniacal balderdash in his life. But after he calls a meeting with the student, Professor Gladstone is dismayed when Baxter declares the work is his own. As he takes a very unwilling Professor Gladstone back in time via his thesis, Baxter’s grade hangs in the balance as he attempts to prove his theory.
It is 1864 as philanderer and crusader Captain Coytus embarks on a mission to avenge his father’s death and infiltrates the Confederate Bushwacker posse looking for the man responsible, Jesse Woodson James. Accompanied by the woman of his dreams, Coytus soon finds himself temporarily appointed to be the sheriff of Booneville and commissions his less-than-loyal deputy to help him carry out his plan.
But when tragedy strikes, the Captain is forced to change his immature ways and redefine his lofty mission—more or less."
Buy Now @ Amazon
Genre - Humor, Historical Fiction
Rating – R
More details about the author
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